Random Thoughts

It was brought up at a party last night that I should hire myself off as a token S.O. for events like parties, weddings, etc. As tempting as it sounds, I can't see myself to (1) sell myself to strangers, (2) charge my friends.

I don't mind being unhappy and bitter, but I don't like making people around me just as unhappy. I keep my pain to myself.

It's never about what have I done, but rather what I haven't done. I can detect a dozen...a hundred bugs, but my coworkers make it crystal clear when I miss just one bug. Despite being with hammercock to see her grandfather at the hospital in FL, it's the fact that I didn't go with her to his funeral that still gets to me. I remember a quote from the Barry Ween comics that went something like this:
"Even when you have all the answers it won't give you peace. And the greatest fear I have, and I have many is not in the solutions that evade me. It's in the answers I have that I'm too slow to execute. It's when I 'could have' but I didn't soon enough."

She's still grieving. I can still see it in her eyes.

Today

I am having a slow day at work. I never have a slow day at work. Then again, everybody is having a slow day at work. In between projects, so I'm catching up on my LJ.
*sigh*
It's amazing how an ex can mindf$&k someone months, even years, after the end of the relationship. I've had my share, but never in the scale of what I've read. It's a constant reminder that I'm still a rookie/small player/amateur in the poly community or in the relationship game. How do I compete against people who have been with her for years? It's a constant struggle that doesn't seem to go away. I sometimes wonder if tenderness, compassion, and understanding are enough. And yet, if I give up, they win.

Suspects

Now I'm on Suspects. So far, so good. Looks like the issue earlier this morning has been resolved. It's quiet now.